Personal Ads for the Alliterate
I think these are sexist, somewhat racist at times, and in bad taste overall but keep them around because I think the wording of the ads are somewhat clever, if not wankerish (see "W"). I spent hours with my friend Martin Wells one summer at a coffee shop thinking them up.
Note: we only used a dictionary for "Q" and "Z".
Aspiring Adonis
An available albino Adonis aspires at acquiring angelic acceptance, affording an affectionate, although arcane appreciation. Avoid arrogance, alimony, anti-social and abhorrently-appareled attributes.
Breathtaking Beauty
Brideless blond boy bespeaks being bereft by bonnie buxom breathtaking beauty, beholding bounteous breasts, boundless bucks, brains. Bilious boring bozos brandishing braggadocio? Bollocks! Bland bimbo babe? Bye bye!
Childless Chick?
Cohortless Caucasian chap craves cute, considerate consort. Creative, capable, childless, compassionate, cherubic chicks carrying colossal cleavage can call. Cannot consider crass, cruel crying crabs.
Debonair Dude
Dateless, dermatologically drab debonair dude desires darling debutante. Do dinner? Drinks? Dancing? Discussion, dollars, dark Daimler, distinctly deported decisiveness demanded dear. Decidedly drab, depilitated damsels, droopy demeanored dawdling dullards deemed deplorably declasse.
Exotic Evenings
Evicted European Eros entertains enticing exotic enchantress. Enhanced energy, encapsulated ego, enchained estrogen, evinces expressive email. Enquiries encouraged. Especially excremental, endomorphic, elder Esthers exit early.
Feeling Forgotten
Free fair fop finds full force from feeling forgotten frightfully frantic. Feisty females for fabulous fetes, fireside frolics, foisting food, fill Fridays forever. (Friends first.) Forget fat frigid frumps, finicky floozies, frothing femi-Nazi's.
Gorgeous Guy
Girl-less golden gentle giant grieves greatly. Garnering gorgeous gals? Garrulous grinning Giacondas, gargantuan gazingas, gems, graceful girls garner greetings. Grumps, grouches, gizzard grabbers, goaders, glamour goddesses, gonorrheal goofs get grounded.
Hankering Hunk
Handy honey-husked hunk hankers heartily, hopefully having happy heart-throb. Hoping to have huge hooters, home, heavenly Hispano-Suiza. Hot-headed harridans hurling haughtiness, halitosis, heaviness, hairiness, high-handedness held horribly heinous.
Independent Individual
Independent ivory ixionian Ivan interested in investigating infanta. Individually inspired, intelligent, iconoclastic, illuminatory, irreverent, incorporating ideal intentions, intellectual, impressive, indeed! Indolent incompetence, insolence, irrelevant ideas, invites immediate insularity.
Jaunty Joy
Jettisoned jaundiced Johnny-Canuck jehu jock journeys jeremiadly to join jewel. Jolly, jesting, jocular joy jaunty! Jabbering Jackals, jilted Jezebels, Jacuzzi-jumpers, jealous jags jeered jadingly.
King-sized Kindness
Knightly kaolin knave keenly kindles kindly kitten. Kinetic kissers, king-sized knockers, kindred karma: kudos! Kitschy kleptomaniacs, knock-kneed knife-wielding killers keep klear!
Learned Lad
Lone, light-skinned, lanky learned lad languishes listlessly, longingly, lovingly. Literary lioness, large lungs, long Lagonda, luxurious lodgings lauded. Limp, lifeless larrykins left looking.
Mourning Machiavelli?
Monogamous mulatto Machiavelli mourns missing mischievous magic mate. Must muster massive mammaries, mansion, monstrousMasaratti, much money. Misers, mothers, monosyllabic morons mean mostly minimum mail.
Needs Nymph
Nomadic Norwegian Neanderthal needs nice nubile nymph. Never-ending nicety, noticed nubs, novice nuns, narrow noses necessary. Ninnies, nellies, nattering negativistic nincompoops need not note.
Overt Obfuscation
Open opal Odelvian oaf orchestrating Ophelian offers. Obsequiousness, outstanding, observant, orderly, organises outings. Oriental okay. Old orangutans, officious or olfactorily offensive ogres overtly obfuscated.
Priceless Perfection
Penultimate pearly procrastinator perpetually pines pedantically, pursuing perfect princess. Property, Porsche, possessing portly polyps preferred. Passionate pure pastimes portended. Predictability, pimples, puerile poseurs perilously push patience.
Questionable Quality
Quittanced quintessant Quixote quests quandorously for quorate quotidian qualitative queen, qua: Quid quo pro quirky, quick, quite quiescent. Queers, quickies, querulous quislings quashed.
Romantic Respite
Roaming romantic rube realises real romance, rendering riches, Rolls Royce, ravishing radiance, rapacious royalty, refulgent respectability. Rabble rousers, ragamuffins, riffraff, revolutionary reactionaries rejected.
Seriously Searching
Solipsistic sanguine soul searches somberly, soliciting serious sylphs. Sexy seductive, sensuous, sometimes sordid, selectively sullen soulmates sincerely sought. Scathing syphilitic, sharp-sentenced sorceresses silenced.
Total Titillation
Troubled tallow-tinted troubadour toils tirelessly towards tryst. Talent, titanic ta-ta's, title, tithes, taken truly. Troglodytes, toads, transgressing trouble-makers treated tiresome.
Unhappily Unwed
Unaccompanied uncoloured uxorious utilitarian, unhappily unwed. Ultimately useful: unattached, unencumbered, unusual, upbeat, uplifting, urbane, universally union-minded. Unsightly, unprincipled, unnecessarily uppity urchins unceremoniously unrequited.
Vibrant Viking
Venially void Viking vows vehemently to vibrantly view vivacious vestal virginal Vesuvian. Valuables, vast villa, voluminous voice? Volvo/Vauxhall/Vespa vied. Varicose-veined, vacuous vapid vixens, vagabonds, vipers violently vanquished.
Wowee!
Wanton waspish wanker wants woman. Waiflike wondrous wench with wide wonderbra, wealth, warmth, wardrobe, wheels, will wreak wonder. Weak-minded wags, witches, wisps will wait wistfully.
XXX
Xerxesian xenophobe Xeroxes X-rated Xantippe xenith. Xenonian XY's, X-wives X-ed.
Youthful Yearning
Yonder yellow youth yearns: young yearling, yarding ya-ya's, yacht, yard? Yes! Yammering yo-yo's, yelling yahoo's, yokels, yeasty yobbos? Yikes!
Zounds!
Zero-attached zinc zygote Zeus zealously zig-zagging through zodiac. Zygotic zest, zaniness, zillion zingers, zeugmatic zipping, Zinfandel? Zanana! Zebu-like zombies, zonked zoophytes, Zoroastrians zapped.
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This is probably not a good idea: Email me.