Ads that PISS ME OFF
(Our lives are being slowly and surreptitiously shaped by junior directors who can't get better work than commercials.)
Presented in the order that I notice them. My opinions only. By the way, in answer to a friend's question: Yes, there are a lot of commercials I like, and a lot that don't especially affect me one way or another. This page is just for those commercials that ... well ... Piss Me Off.
February 2011
Purex - you wipe your ass with it
September 2010
June 2010
Froot Loops - 2 grams of fiber, 2 kilos of diarrhea
May 2010
Mars Bar - it's just a candy bar, dude
April 2010
Miracle Whip, makes me feel itchy all over
Subaru Outback - ugg me kill tv
March 2010
Kashi, would you like some milk with that condescension?
Purex - you wipe your ass with it
Oh my God, have I ever HAD IT with that cute whispery girlish woman's simple down-to-Earth thin little singing voice accompanied by good wholesome guitar-strumming. Now, it was effective and appealing the first 900 times they ripped off Feist, but it's over now. Actually, it was over 2 years before Purex started showing this commercial in 2009. Seriously, it's almost as bad as the overdriven stereo-doubled guitars in every single sports and reality show.
This commercial shows the happy family off for a day trip (to somewhere wholesome) and part of their preparations includes toilet paper. That's a great idea. I go on day trips myself. Kids need bathrooms. Toilet paper is not stocked often. But what really heats my hemorrhoids is how their asswipe could possibly be so important as to be a part of this family's life. Really, now: Purex makes the same mistake that nearly everyone else makes when selling their crap: They try to invent a fiction where their stuff could somehow be so pivotal to our lifestyles. It's just nonsense.
Trying to somehow associate your asswipe with a happy family outing--you know, making those joyous childhood memories--is just plain puffery ... actually, considering the way you puff up your product literally (since when is 160 2-ply sheets a "double roll"?) it makes sense you'd resort to such pretension in your advertising.
Mini Cooper, Major Assholes
Two
guys drive like selfish pricks to race to the top of a parkade to get the last
open parking space. One guy ogles a girl (driving, guess what? another Mini),
another guy nearly kills teen collecting shopping carts (I mean, really, why
are you putting that into your commercial? To appeal to the callous prick
crowd?) And the big joke, ha ha, is that when they get there at the same time
and block each other from getting that spot, an old woman on an electric
scooter squeezes past them. And into the spot??? Since when do old ladies park
their electric scooters in the middle of the 5th floor of a parkade? Actually,
while we're talking about alternate realities, what parkades have an "Available
parking spaces" indicator at the ground level for each floor?
Anyhow, the way these arseholes chirp their tires, drive backwards up ramps, nearly take out innocent people, and nearly crash into each other to fight for that last spot is Pure Assholery. Selfishness. Recklessness that endangers others. And it's because of the lame premise that competing for that last parking spot in a battle of epic proportions is supposedly funny. "Who cares if we kill someone? It's a free parking space for gosh sake!" Well, I'm clearly not the target market for Minis, so I'm sure the advertisers won't care at all, but: I don't find it funny.
Nutella, Spread Some Insanity
There are a couple of ads in this vein that I've seen, both from young
mothers feeding Nutella to their children before sending them off to school. In
one case the mother turns out to be a teacher—oooh, how special; she must
be an expert on nutrition because the camera shows the actress awkwardly
pretending to be an active, involved teacher (you know: the fictitious,
high-energy, laugh-every-minute kind that only exists in commercials and the
first 10 minutes of their first practicums).
They even have the absurd and preposterous tag line, "Spread some energy." I kid you not. I sprayed my club soda the first time I heard that. It made me almost apoplectic with astonishment and rage. Other bizarre double-speak lines:
- "Mom's across Canada choose Nutella as part of a nutritious and delicious breakfast to give their kids a great start to their day!"
- "As a teacher I see the results of a healthy breakfast everyday"
Now, they have a defensive little statement about that "energy" crap. They claim that they "took the advice of independent expert nutritionists" (yes, those are their words) which is a good thing, since if they'd instead done some simple label-reading off the jars of their own product, they would clearly have seen just how much verbal bullshit they are shoveling at us. They skirt the outright lies by indicating their spread is "part of" a nutritious breakfast (not that it alone constitutes one). Oh, and let's ignore the massive amount of sugar and fat. Instead, let's call it "energy". (What part of the glycaemic spike and resultant insulin response is the energy part? The part that makes you sleepy and lethargic?)
By the way, I could spread Vasoline on my bread instead of Nutella, and make the same claim that it's "part of a nutritious breakfast".
Froot Loops - 2 grams of fiber, 2 kilos of diarrhea
In this ad, the kids are playing an especially detailed version
of doctor (complete with waiting room—can you imagine a kid pretending to
wait in a doctor's waiting room for more than 0.3 seconds?) and helpful
"nurse", all gender traditional. The doctor comes in and tells his "patient"
that he needs more fiber in his diet and adds, conveniently, that Froot Loops
just happens to now have 2 grams of fiber (I assume they mean per 30g
serving).
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but constipation was never an issue after eating Froot Loops which contain diarrhea-inducing dye colouring (e.g., Red Dye #40, Yellow Dye #6), and lots and lots of corn flour ... enough of that and you're running for the porcelain, aren't you? But ... meh ... whatever. Fiber is needed in our diets, and there just happens to be more fiber in Froot Loops now.
Where this ad sends me off the rails is the implication that Froot Loops are somehow nutritious and even "healthy"—the association with doctors, made non-threatening and cutesy by making the roles played by children; can you imagine what would happen if it was played "straight" by adults? The cries from consumer groups would drown out the uplifting music at the end. It also has this piece of crapola: "It helps make your tummy happy, which your mom's gonna love." Note again, the association without direct link: At no point did they say "The extra fiber will make your digestion better." No, the fructose and corn flour with the extra fiber may send you to the washroom, but it might just be the taste (that kids like) that makes the "tummy happy".
The lizard brain (you know, the non-thinking part of our brain that is nevertheless susceptible to semiotics, associative messages, and meta messages) hears loud and clear that Froot Loops are somehow healthy, though the literal message of the commercial is practically non-existent (has to be, in fact: without that ambiguity, you might get a different message). Hell, the "patient" walks out with a prescription in hand ... no statement about what it is a prescription for, of course, but, again, the message is there for us: Froot Loops are so healthy they're prescribed as medication.
By using children, another message is loud and clear: Froot Loops is for children. As if that's what a growing body needs!
Mars Bar - it's just a candy bar, dude
This is a simple concept, repeated often in commercials: Start singing and
pretty soon the entire world joins in. The Coke Song ("I'd like to teach the
world to sing ...") was one I remember from my childhood. Lots of them since,
maybe a few before. The first few times were somewhat engaging ... and people
were innocent and gullible and, gosh darn it, loved a good song. Nowadays it's
painful to watch. I mean, Mars Bar has ripped off the song "The Candy Man" and
has people singing it first from their cubicles, then spilling out of the
office building onto the street where a parade about Mars Bars marches through
the business district. Overblown and dreadful. They're obviously going for the
fun and excitement, but ... come on! It's about a fucking candy bar ... and an
atempt at remaking an old one that fewer and fewer people like too. And the
commercial is not very accurate: After I've eaten a chocolate bar at work my
insulin response always kicks in and makes me sleepy. The last thing I feel
like is a "cast of thousands" song and dance number with a big finish.
Special K - ordinary idiocy
Oh boy, it's a matter of "take your pick" with these commercials. The
marketeers for S-K have honed the mixed message and misleading meta-message to
an art. I don't like them at all, but I have to take my hat off to their
brilliance in mind-fucking all those women everywhere who are feeling
vulnerable about their weight.
The latest one is sheer misery: A woman is trying to squeeze into her jeans while standing in what appears to be her friend's living room (why? what were they doing to necessitate that?) Grunting and hopping while she tugs (in vain) to get the zipper that last 1/2 an inch. Suddenly, Smuggy Miss Bitchy throws down her magazine and says to the camera, "I can't just sit by and watch this!" and trots her zipper-challenged friend to the kitchen where they eat some sort of grainy S-K product.
Wow ... just ... wow.
Everyone with a pulse knows that "helping" is not about the "help", it's about the person wanting to "help". The messages in there are twofold: "1. There is something wrong with you (you are too fat and I can't take it any more)." and "2. I know better than you." That's basic human nature, don't you know.
But, forgetting that little piece of assholery for the moment, the next time you see them they are eating some sort of cereal product. Naturally, the ad doesn't say this, but the basic, pre-verbal message is, "Eat this, it'll make you thinner." Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. There is no food you can eat to make you lose weight, and these marketeers would be the first to jump in and remind you of that ... but that doesn't change the message that the lizard brain in us gets. Eat S-K and you'll fit into your jeans.
This is the ultimate in mixed messages and it's no coincidence: S-K marketeers have been doing this for years, and they have perfected it. There's a certain brand of genius that goes into this mind-fuckery. And guess what? It PISSES ME OFF!
April 2010
Miracle Whip, makes me feel itchy all over
The video has a washed out look. They appear
to have overexposed the video making everything look like a heat wave: Bunch of
young ugly people dancing and eating sandwiches. It looks like something
hideous, unsophisticated, and smelly from the 1970s, you know, when body hair
on girls was fashionable.
And they all need showers.
There's a variant of this one with a bunch of old creepy guys in greasy coveralls who look like they want to show you their kidney stone collection.
Subaru Outback - ugg me kill tv
There are a couple of these: Both start out as cheap
infomercial style commercials for those weird blankets ("Snuggies") or a
two-trough bowl, then some rugged guy smashes the shit out of the TV screen
with a crowbar and walks to his car. It says to me, "Subaru: The choice of the
aggressive randomly-destructive asshole." The guy really must think he's
striking a blow for free individualists everywhere. Wow ... I hate their
commercial, but you won't see me engaging in random acts of violence because of
it. I marvel at their tag-line: "You should get out more". Uh ... yeah, no
kidding; maybe you should leave the crowbar at home too.
Cheerios, fuck you, abuser
A couple having breakfast obviously after a fight. Wanting her to forgive
him, he's giving her the puppy dog eyes and cute looks, playing with the
Cheerios, rolling one over to her. "OK honey, I know I'm an infantile pretty
boy asshole who thinks I can get whatever I want without being adult and
responsible, but instead I'll be cutesy and superficial with you. I'll be
better next time. I promise. It's all about me, after all." This, by the way,
is the Standard Operating Procedure for wife abusers.
Mini-Wheats, minor irritation
I freely admit the unreasonableness of this: I hate those
little dancing wheat squares. I absolutely fucking HATE them. It's totally
unfair of me of me to be this way: the commercials are well-drawn and animated,
the music professional and listenable ... I dunno why these get under my skin
so much.
March 2010
Kashi, would you like some milk with that condescension?
This features women, presumably (maybe even really) employees of Kashi,
traveling around the world apparently sampling "the natives'" food with the
implication—though definitely not the explicit statement—that food
is being hand-selected for Kashi products. What pisses me off about this is the
smiling condescension of the Kashi employees. "Dancing" with the natives,
hiking through the rainforests, as though they are experiencing a little of
"that lifestyle". But it's fucking insulting. It makes Kashi employees look
disdainful and white-bred (bread).
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