May 5th, 2004
For the most part, I am graceful enough to get through the day without injury to myself or others. I mean, I'm not exactly cat-like, but I don't trip over carpets, back my car into light-posts, drop coffee cups on my or others' toes, and I have yet to slip on a banana peel (though I'd like that to happen just once in my life so that I can tell my grandchildren about it).
But the other night something went horribly horribly wrong. We were in a pet store because I am obsessive about a certain brand of cat litter. You can scoop up the clumps, but you can then flush it as well (it saves me those long tiring journeys down to the condo complex dumpster with a stinky plastic bag in my hand). So we were searching in vain for bags of this litter, when we came across these little stuffed toys for dogs: lots of frogs, a monkey, some other four-legged thing (maybe a dog?) The monkey had long bungee-cord arms and the intention is to hold the feet, pull back on the arms, and launch the stupid thing 30 or 40 feet into the air. Dogs, being the brainless beasts they are, can spend hours chasing the monkey-missile down and returning it.
So I picked up the monkey-missile and attempted to launch it, but could not get my coordination right, and ended up flinging it into my chest. Apart from hurting a little bit, it was very funny, and we had a laugh at my gaffe. So I then went to put it back onto the hook on the wall. But it wouldn't stay up, it kept falling. As I tried repeatedly, one of the frogs on an adjoining hook began to croak and vibrate. Which made it fall onto the floor alongside the monkey-missile. So I tried to put both back onto their respective hooks. No luck. Two or three other frogs started croaking and vibrating, and two frogs and the monkey-missile fell to the floor again amidst an eerie chorus of electronic croaking (some now shaking on their hooks, some on the floor looking as though they were convulsing). I tried to get all the toys back onto the shelves, but, as is plainly obvious, the trend was towards more chaos, not order. So the dog/cat/tiger thing began to shake and (bark? roar? I can't figure out what that noise was supposed to be) and the frogs, feeding off the agitation of their neighbors on the other hooks, continued to croak.
I suddenly realised I was fighting a losing battle. So I tossed the two shaking frogs I was holding (and the monkey-missile) onto the floor--where they obviously wanted to be--and we quickly walked away from the deafening roar of a barking lion (or roaring dog) and ten croaking-shaking frog stuffed dog-toys, and headed to the door. As we passed the sales clerk at the cash register, she (rather boredly) said, "Thank you for coming," though I don't know how she could have missed the cacophony in the back corner (still going on as we exited).
There are almost definitely cameras in that store, and I was probably taped as I attempted to keep that zooful of artificial animals under control.
I can never go back.