May 22nd, 2004
I was rifling through my MP3 collection the other night, and I came across the Compleat Disgruntled--which are my code words for a folder on a CD containing all the MP3s of my (former) rock band called The Disgruntled. My memory is not so bad that I can't remember that it was not nearly as fun as the songs make it sound.
But I started listening to the songs, and came across one of the very first songs we wrote and recorded, Kalashnikov for the People, which is a much-less-than-charming song about the desire to shoot people with an AK47. The words really are low-brow and violent, and I sort of cringe when I even think of the song.
The recording itself is a bit of a mess, as I remember that I had no desire to clean it up when we were re-mixing the songs in 1998. So my (inadvertently flangeing) guitar drowns out Jennifer's valiant keyboards, Craig's drums are mono, and the guitar solo only comes through on the drum mics because the microphone was turned off for that amplifier. Oh, and you can hear punch-in clicks on the vocal track (which was the only thing not recorded live).
But, much worse is the fact that it was me at age 19 thinking I could effectively parody the guns-and-ammo crowd--when all I sounded like was a punk in need of some smartening up. Even my singing, also me at age 19, sounds young. At the time I argued to myself that the lyrics were mostly written by Martin, so I wasn't responsible for the violence in them, conveniently ignoring the fact that I adopted them for my song, and sang them with all the gusto required for such a song. There is no apology in my voice (though there is a spoken "not really" response to the line, "I wanna make all my friends bleed!")
At first I started to beat myself up for the disgusting nature of the song; after all, this was the very thoughtless inciting to violence that I now abhor. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it is a good measure of how I've changed since then. I don't fearlessly utter what's on my mind any more. And although I still occasionally let my mouth run off ahead of my thoughts (sometimes to the detriment of my relationships and career), I am much more inclined to stop and think about it first.
So, to those who know me well and think that I am not afraid to opine long and loud: You should've heard me when I was 19!
Oh, and if you want to hear Kalashnikov for the People, just click here and hold onto your hat :-)
* * *
Addendum: For an "eighteen years later" intellectual cousin of this song, Email me.