April 26^th, 2005

"Besides, I've never seen a wheel come off a car, have you?"
-My friend Sean, challenging fate to a fight we later lost.

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Oh, I am in a particularly foul mood today, and have been sort of mubbly-fubbly for the past two weeks or so due to an inability to sleep properly. At first I thought it might just be the result of Spring—this season sort of does that to me sometimes, what with the extra light at night keeping me awake, or the ridiculously cheerful crappy little chirping birds (nothing fills me with dread more than hearing them start up after a sleepless night) and then there's always the ever-rising temperature which makes me uncomfortable enough that I cannot sleep and end up tossing and turning most of the night.

Well, there might be something to it; but, these days I know it's probably more than that. If I cannot sleep, I cannot sleep. Nothing else in the world is responsible: All the wrinkled sheets and chirping birds, waves of oppressive heat and flattened uneven pillows, and late-night-frolicking cats are not the real reason. The real reason I can't sleep is always emotional. The perception I have of all else is a symptom, not the cause.

Put succinctly: If I am tired and happy, I will sleep anywhere anytime. If I am unhappy, I won't sleep no matter how comfortable the conditions.

I am convinced that if we could create a special kind of "feelings-zapper" and spray the population of the world with "anti-ugly" and "anti-stupid" feelings,¹ we would all be much healthier—first mentally, but later physically and morally as well. I say this because there is nobody more unhappy and/or dangerous in this world than the person who feels unloved or at least unliked. And people feel unloved/unliked when they feel ugly or feel stupid.

The problem with such sentiments as "we all need to feel loved and liked" or "we need a sense of belonging" is that people derive this basic tenet over and over again, and it is so obvious to us and so commonplace that it has become a cliché. So we laugh at it, make fun of it, belittle it. We forget it because, after all, if everyone knows it, it can't be worth very much, can it?

But that is not a very good argument when you stop and think about it. I mean, look at it this way: We all need to eat and sleep too ... and yet we don't belittle those needs, do we? So by laughing at such a basic need as feeling loved/liked we cover it up and deny it. And this results in us ending up grumpy and nasty and feeling unlovable.²

Well, a sense of being liked/loved ... I guess, more generally, a sense of belonging is what I seem to be lacking right now. And although I am surrounded—practically inundated— by people who accept me and like me and love me, I still feel single, solitary, and all alone in this big bad ugly world. It makes me restless ... it makes sleep difficult ... it makes me grumpy.

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⁽¹⁾ Hang on a minute ... we do! It's called alcohol! But it can do some pretty strange things to people.

⁽²⁾ Incidentally, if you are clucking your tongue at me and laughing at my words, or if you are getting agitated and starting to do your nervous-twitch behaviours (whatever they are), then let me offer this small piece of advice: Try to figure out what things people can say or do that make you feel stupid/ugly and unlovable/unlikeable. What makes you feel as though you don't belong?

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