May 3rd, 2005
The last few weeks we have been having some difficulty with our internet connection; namely, the service has been dropping out periodically. I decided to wait for several days, knowing (because I work in the software industry) the difficulty in keeping a network ship-shape 100% of the time, and thinking that my cable company would sort it out themselves. But after a patient wait of more than 15 days, it didn't seem to improve, so finally I sent them an email telling them of my problems:
Hello,
For at least the last two weeks, and probably more like three, my internet connection has been periodically ceasing to function. These little losses of service can be as short as two or three minutes, or go on as long as half an hour ... sometimes more. They are frequent enough that they have gone beyond irritating and have become intolerable.
I'd like to know why these little drop outs are occurring, and what can be done to prevent them in the future. It should be pointed out that all worked well for many months before now (I have been a customer for 4-1/2 years), and nothing in my setup has changed before or since.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to this.
Brian
(Note: I will not mention who the cable company is just yet. If these problems continue, I will be less and less generous). Anyhow, as you can see, I was brief (hard for me) and polite (even harder) and for my troubles, I got back the following unhelpful reply:
Hello Brian,
Thank you for contacting technical support. We're not seeing anything abnormal other than a couple of spikes with the upstream signals. Our modem tests show that the majority of the time, there are no reported problems with the signals. There are factors such as nature, water in the cable line after rain, strong winds, cables being compromised by animals, for example squirrels chewing on the cable lines, funny but it does happen a lot and also other things. We ask that you track this issue for now but if you do experience a disconnection again, we recommend calling the technical support line so that a technician can troubleshoot your connection in real time.
Please feel free to contact us should you need further assistance.
Emmanuel
So I got to thinking about this little shovel-full of shinola and decided to pin down exactly what I though was so unhelpful and mind-fucky about it. So here goes:
Thank you for contacting technical support.
This reminds me of the organized groups' abuse rituals: "[Whack!] Thank you, sir, may I have another? [Whack!] Thank you, sir, may I have another? [Whack!] ..." Well, erm, what choice did you think I have? My service is less than I expect—less than what I am paying for, and nobody ever answers the damned phone around there.
We're not seeing anything abnormal other than a couple of spikes with the upstream signals. Our modem tests show that the majority of the time, there are no reported problems with the signals.
What the hell does "a couple of spikes with the upstream signals" actually mean? Come on! I work in this industry and I know all about sloppy and lazy wording uttered in hopes that the other person will just go away. Besides that, I don't actually care a little bit what your "modem tests" show. I have a problem and you are trying to tell me that I don't. Need I remind you that I don't send emails to support for my enjoyment? If your tests show nothing, then perhaps it is time to update your tests.
There are factors such as nature, water in the cable line after rain, strong winds, cables being compromised by animals, for example squirrels chewing on the cable lines, funny but it does happen a lot and also other things.
Well, first, I don't think this is funny at all. Second, let's talk likelihoods: It is also possible that cosmic rays from distant galaxies have damaged all the microchips in my computer, but the greater likelihood is that it is a configuration problem! Squirrels chewing on cable lines might happen, but the overwhelming majority of times this is not the case. So let's get rid of this somewhat childish, "it could happen" kind of thinking. Furthermore, let's talk about that last little phrase (which, by the way makes your sentence sound awkward): "...and also other things." Huh? What other things? If you want absolution of your company's responsibility in all this, then I suggest a slightly more accurate description, not just "other things."
We ask that you track this issue for now but if you do experience a disconnection again, we recommend calling the technical support line so that a technician can troubleshoot your connection in real time.
So, after telling me that you can't find the problem, or it could be squirrels, you then tell me to "track this issue" myself? If you can't detect a problem, why call it an issue? Then you refer me to the technical support line on the telephone! I tried that, and all I get is an answering service. I leave a message and never hear back from them. Gee, that's great: Fob me off on someone else, it's not your department.
So, here was my email reply to them:
Hi Emmanuel,
Thank you for your prompt reply.
Here is, paraphrased, what your email said to me: "We can't find the problem, maybe it's high winds or squirrels chewing on cables. Phone our support line next time it happens."
Well, I find it very *unlikely* that my problems are caused by "squirrels chewing on the cable lines". Maybe this happens--as you asserted that it did, anticipating my disbelief--but perhaps we could start with the most likely source of the problem and work our way down to the least likely as they are ruled out.
Also, are you aware that phoning for support is unhelpful? That one has to leave a message and simply hope that it is returned? And even then it may be days later?
Brian
What pisses me off more than anything is being handed a line. I just hate being fobbed off or somehow deflected. I mean, maybe there are some issues at play beneath the surface there; maybe I have a heightened sensitivity to being cast aside. But whether or not it irritates me, it still isn't unreasonable to expect to get what I'm paying for. Lazy support or not.
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