Brian's Rant-o-Rama - provided free of charge provided you free me from charges

May 24^th, 2005

Ever sat late at night at home in the Summer with all the windows open and the lights out? If you live in a city of practically any size over 10,000 people, then you know that modern life hell of selfish (and stupid) folks' car alarms whirring and whooping at odd times and for little or no apparent reason. I've already ranted about this, but discovered that there is something similar and equally awful in life, and just thank my lucky stars that I don't have to endure it myself.

I refer to the dreadful alarms and indicator noises in the hospital that my sister is currently incarcerated in.

I believe I mentioned back in January that she was sick as a dog, having suffered a couple of attacks of MS in quick succession, and since then she has been recovering from those. (Yes, I know it's the end of May already ... takes time these things apparently do.) But now that she is chained to her latest hospital bed (not literally—I exaggerate) she has a new night-time distraction: the alarms set off by patients.

See, there is only one noise-making box for the whole ward, and it just happens to be situated outside her door. A joyful happenstance that, since it is even in line with her ear when the door is open. I would say that Carolyn is uniquely qualified, on account of the geography of the ward, to hear the klaxon best.

And there's not just one kind of noise, either. Characterized, for your entertainment (and for Carolyn's long slow road down to Insanity) here they are:

Sound What it means Some examples of what it may mean

single-tone, long-long-long, etc. "Patient needs general assistance, in or near bed." "Need the bathroom, where the hell are you? (Don't forget you are the folks who have to change the sheets."
"I'm bored, come attend to my arbitrary complaint."
"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

single-tone, short-short-short, etc. "Patient finished or in need of assistance in the bathroom." "Don't forget you are the folks who have to look at my toilet-ring butt as I walk away from you."
"Who designed this #*^@)$-ing toilet to be 10 cm off the floor in the first place?"
"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

alternating tone, short-short-short, etc. "Patient needs assistance while standing up." "I'm tired of standing in this bloody torture device of yours and staring at the same 3 cm X 3 cm spot on the wall."
"Oops, did I push that button?"
"Help I'm standing and I can't fall down!"

Well, as you can imagine, with a dozen rooms full of people all wanting something at one time or another, and using the alarm signals to tell the nurses, it gets awfully noisy in there. Even with the door closed and the earplugs in, Carolyn has trouble from time to time. I mean, I just sit there with her for a couple of hours, and I start to go more than a bit batty with the noises.

But not nearly as crazy as with a previous hospital she was in: There was an automated system that kept saying in a difficult-to-understand voice, "T-Shirt Detective! T-Shirt Detective!" I finally got tired of this and asked Carolyn what they hell this was. She laughed so hard it took forever for her to point to the individual letters in her book (she still couldn't talk at that time) explaining to me that it was, "seizure detected". We laughed forever at that one ...

* * *

You know, after reading this over, it could be construed as a criticism of the nurses. So I want to quickly jump in and say that the nurses at her current hospital are great.

And at least one of them shares my dad's sense of humour: He walked out of my sister's room and accidentally bumped into one of the nurses ... they spontaneously embraced and waltzed in a circle right there in the hallway, then continued on their ways past each other. Dead-pan with no words exchanged! :-)

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Sound	What it means	Some examples of what it may mean
single-tone, long-long-long, etc.	"Patient needs general assistance, in or near bed."	"Need the bathroom, where the hell are you? (Don't forget you are the folks who have to change the sheets." "I'm bored, come attend to my arbitrary complaint." "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."
single-tone, short-short-short, etc.	"Patient finished or in need of assistance in the bathroom."	"Don't forget you are the folks who have to look at my toilet-ring butt as I walk away from you." "Who designed this #*^@)$-ing toilet to be 10 cm off the floor in the first place?" "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."
alternating tone, short-short-short, etc.	"Patient needs assistance while standing up."	"I'm tired of standing in this bloody torture device of yours and staring at the same 3 cm X 3 cm spot on the wall." "Oops, did I push that button?" "Help I'm standing and I can't fall down!"