June 14th, 2005

There's this thing you can do with cats that sort of freaks them right out. It's not exactly cruel, but I would never do it to any cat because it does excite and upset them a little (if you do it properly): Simply put your hands together and move them towards a cat's face, then split your hands apart into two, and make sure to thrust one hand past each ear. The cat will back away in a hurry and be more than a little confused by it. Two "threats" where only one existed a moment ago!

Because I have a thing with cats (even my trouble-making current one) I would never take delight in mentally tormenting them in such a way. But I definitely would take advantage of a similar action to distract them: Put one hand where they can see, it, and do something "interesting" such as twiddle the fingers, or open and close the fist. As the cat is distracted by this, administer the medicine, or grab it to put on the collar or put it into its traveling box. This sort of left-hand-distracts-from-the-right-hand behaviour is time-tested by administrators, governments, savvy businesses, and individual politicians everywhere.

Hot damn it works! Announce a policy change on a Friday afternoon, minimize the public outcry. Expose a minor scandal here to a news-starved media outlet, then quietly roll out the details of a major one. Make a fuss about someone else's errors (perceived, not necessarily real), and then commit your crimes while people have their heads turned.

So why do I even mention this? Well, I just have to. A lot of people intuitively are weasels. They don't have to sit down and figure these things out for themselves; it all just comes naturally as a personality trait. It is just as Tom Lehrer summed it up:

Sharks gotta swim
And bats gotta fly

Slimy people are, apparently, just born that way. And although they may be unhappy and do the slow-burn late at night while trying to sleep, they can't help themselves. (Sharks gotta swim, baby.) This realisation really hurts me, by the way; I have believed up until recently that all behaviour was environmental, not imprinted like a template at birth. Well ... I think I'm wrong about that.

For me, it's just that since I am on a rather long and tedious (to some) journey of discovery whereby I will eventually learn all the little political weasel tricks right around the time that I become too old to be of any use to anyone, I'll be able to gloat about the fact that the weasels have long-since imploded under their own weight of assholery. I won't gloat, mind you. But I will be able to ...

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