July 25th, 2005
Every person I've ever known has a weak spot ... a crack in the armor, a soft spot, a bruise that just won't heal. Because I qualify as a person (I sincerely hope), a member of the human race, I have a weak spot all my own. And since the number of people who visit my website has receded somewhat to about only 50 per day, I am perfectly happy to announce what my own weakness is (as I perceive it): Weasel Behaviour. It is true; I have said this for years and years now (and it remains perfectly true):
I cannot abide weasel behaviour.
What is weasel behaviour? Well, the examples are almost infinite. Weasel behaviour can be a set of entirely meaningless words spoken to shut people up without promising them anything. Here is a perfect example from the Prime Minister of Canada, Paul Martin:
"I'm not prepared to make this deal unless and until I know we can make it." [Spoken with as much indignation as he could muster]
Um, gee ... he said absolutely nothing in a lot of words. I could probably do this myself, but because it is not second nature to me the way it is to politicians (or maybe it's their first nature and they were born that way), it's harder for me. But still: "I can't in good conscience release this help file unless and until I know that doing so is the right move!"
Or here's something a former weasel said once about work I was doing at a job: "I'm sorry, Brian, for not monitoring your work all these months ... the fault is mine." This was his pseudo-Dale Carnegie crappola way of telling me that he thought that my work needed editing. Fine. I have edited a lot of other tech writers' work and had my own edited by people with less and more ability than I have. It's part of the landscape. So just tell me that you think there are some problems; I don't mind a bug report or two in my life. But this little piece of, "it's my fault" crappola was a fake (weasel) way of avoiding as much chance for discussion as possible. He anticipated a negative reaction from me (that wouldn't have been forthcoming until he started to apply his Weasel Words) to the issue.
Or how about this: I know someone who spent all night at the pub talking ... nay, babbling about Ellen DeGeneris' coming out in prime time on network television. I and a third person there continually rolled our eyes, but he didn't (or wouldn't) notice. Finally, I came out and said something. I'm like that, by the way: Everyone will think it, but I'll actually come out and say it. (That's why I called it my weak spot.) I snapped, "I can't believe you are allowing yourself to be sucked into this ridiculous hype over Ellen DeGeneris' sexuality. Honestly, who cares?"
And I thought I heard a slight pop and buzz coming from the wiring in his brain, but after a few seconds he did a little weasel Turnabout Move: "I can't believe you'd allow yourself to think that I really would be sucked in!" [Spoken with an unconvincing innocent voice and expression]
The Turnabout Move is the archetypal weasel way to do something. It's unoriginal, almost never clever, disappointingly unsatisfying to the weasel (but they keep doing it anyhow), and infuriating to the people getting this crap thrown in their faces. "Allow myself" indeed ... what meaningless shit is that?
"Turnabout Moves camouflage me as just as cold, prickly and unpleasant as this snow here."
George Orwell really did hit the nail on the head when he demonstrated how to make weasel words. In Animal Farm, an attempt at fairness and nobility, "All animals are created equal" is bastardized with the addition of, "but some animals are more equal than others" thereby rendering the whole statement literally meaningless, but somehow making a personal elevation. Brilliant. And accurate, and an example in parable of why weasel behaviour is ultimately dangerous.
Turnabout Moves come not only in words. Take this real world weasel example that happened to me the other day: I asked for a list of items. The weasel said, "why not you give me whatever list you have, and I'll make corrections to it." Bloody hell, how to take a simple request (and it was simple) and turn it into a make-work project for me. It is also, whether intentional or not, a power move: The weasel turned it into an opportunity for it to get the upper hand by being able to criticize, critique and wank.
Ah yes, and that is often a lot of the motivation behind weasel behaviour: Weasels need to somehow show you that they are every bit as knowledgeable and in the loop as you are, and when they aren't—which is frequently—they start making life difficult with weasel behaviour to cover their self-perceived (often accurately-perceived) lack of understanding of the subject. Start speaking broadly, don't ever bring up a specific instance because that would expose a lack of knowledge. This is portrayed in Hollywood movies frequently as our protagonist caught having to talk about something that he/she knows nothing about and talking in such wide-sweeping generalities that eventually someone (much to our relief) jumps in and misinterprets the pile of manure coming of his/her mouth as meaningful. The deus ex machina doesn't happen in real life, does it? You know what someone I once knew defined this as? A Pyramid of Piss.
(By the way: I try, oh Lord knows I try with this particular weasel. But the static and friction is palpable and ever-present. It feels it too.)
There are other Pyramid of Piss examples that, though mostly through words, are indicative of an attitude that the weasel uttering the words just doesn't care how weak his or her position is. Example: I once worked at a company that had a "product" that warehoused certain customer data. The purpose was to determine which customers were profitable, and which should be the target of -er- aggressive marketynge campaigns. Someone (not me, oddly) stood up in a company-wide meeting and asked if we had plans to make results available to those customers to determine how they could save money with our client. Well Jesus H. Christ, someone sprang up to answer the question and spent a lot of time talking about a "lack of data-modeling technology" and how the purpose was to "streamline the transaction process" and let the software handle what the customer previously had to worry about, etc. In short, this person threw up one of the biggest Pyramids of Piss I have ever seen.
The answer, of course, was really, "we want our customers to buy our tools so that they make more money ... not lose money by exposing data to their customers." Actually, if that person had even said that, I think everyone would have been content, since the honesty would have reminded us that we are all in business to make money. But instead, nearly all of us got pissed off at that person for the crud shoveled at our feet that had to stand in for a legitimate answer.
Pyramid of Piss: "Piss Off"
Then there are the pseudo Dale Carnegies. These are the folks that read DC thinking that they can somehow "use" what they read there to get people to do things for them and gain "power" over the other person.
How about this little weasel move: "Hi Brian, wanna come watch me play in a baseball game? Great! Come pick me up at 6 ... " That, by the way, is the behaviour of a friend's former girlfriend. If she needed a lift somewhere, she'd ask you if you wanted to go ... and then get you to pick her up. I short-circuited this once by jumping in quickly by saying, "Great! I'll see you there!" and she never pulled this bait-and-switch on me again.
There's a weasel at a former job who wouldn't talk to me for weeks on end. Then, out of the blue he would stop by and say hi and ask how I was doing, etc. Then, a few hours later, or the next day, he would tell me he needed something ... but not actually ask me. He would put himself into a holding pattern until I jumped in and volunteered. If I outwaited him (which I learned to do), he'd eventually have to ask, and not like it one bit. In fact, after a while, I'd just make him skip the break in the middle and ask him outright what I could do for him.
And let's not forget that prime piece of weasel behaviour ... the one we come across most in our lives. It is known under varying names, such as:
- Buttering up
- Blowing sunshine up someone's ass
- Priming
- Baiting
- Condescending
Yes, this is the one that rankles my ankles the most. People who rather gratuitously compliment me for tying my shoes in the morning and remembering to comb my hair. Those people who tell me what a fine job I did turning on my monitor or parking my car. It chalks my chuffs because I just know they are trying to make me feel full of myself and ready to do anything for them. I cringe always, and get ready to be asked for something. If I just cut them off, they become all pretend hurt and want to know why I am being so cynical and thinking such negative things about them ... as if either of us doesn't know what's really going on.
If they just came out and asked I would feel ever more willing to do their bidding; but when I see a weasel coming with a tub of butter under one arm and an inhaler full of sunshine under the other, I cringe. I know what's coming.
"Go away, kid, ya bother me!"
In the end, the reason people employ weasel behaviour is because they lack moral fortitude. They are afraid of exposing something inside themselves, and so they put you off with some dishonest weasel move.
And everyone knows when they are behaving like weasels. You can tell by how it feels. You can tell by the way you know you are sacrificing a small piece of self-worth to keep the other person or persons at bay. It's got an unpleasant edge to it when you compromise yourself and hurt others with weasel behaviour. Yet that pain still hurts less than you imagine it would hurt if that crease in your personality is exposed to others.
I've already talked about meta-messages, and the meta-message of weasel behaviour is always the same: "Go away, you bother me." It is an insult, a way of diminishing the other person until they are left so un-validated that they feel practically worthless. And you know what? They won't stay feeling that way forever. Things boil over. People get angry; they start to feel like they have nothing to lose with you (since they never had any respect for you). It may seem incomprehensible, but we have a lot of evidence in the rapidly-deteriorating societies of this world that weasel behaviour can beget violence. That's what happens when you tell people they don't really exist. It's what happens when you dismiss people as unimportant or a waste of your time.
They come back with a vengeance. You see how that cowardice that led to weasel behaviour turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy? Do you see how a fear of interacting fully with people is an evolutionary cul-de-sac? That as you weasel your way out of each situation, you come that much closer to a reaction that is that much larger and more negative?
That you are killing yourself and making everyone else miserable in the process?
Feh ...
A weasel: Dead and stuffed.
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