August 8th, 2005
You know, I could very well be accused of just going in circles. Maybe not in all of my life, but at least in the part of it that these rants are about. (What, did you think that I show my whole life in these rants? Were you under the impression that what I show the public though this website is all there is to me? [Gasps.] You don't think that I carefully edit and cut-and-paste, project, act, exaggerate, diminish, and otherwise modify the facts? If you don't, you should: This is a public face only.)
A friend of mine recently—um—needed a longish letter from me (a real letter, on paper and in an envelope even!) and so I spent about 4000 words reiterating various rants for him and when I was done like dinner I mailed it off to him. But what I noticed whilst doing so was just how much I repeat myself ... maybe not in exactly the same words, but the sentiments are more or less the same over the past two years (roughly the time I've been ranting).
Well, I'm back to the realisation that my bark, while not nearly as bad as my bite, is pretty severe to those people who don't like being barked at.
I mean this: I once tried to explain what it was like to be a large, fairly strong, and somewhat physically intimidating man somehow attached to another human being who is suffering abuse. You'd think that the knee-jerk reaction would be to want to pummel the guy abusing "my woman" or "my homey" or "my kid" or whatever. But that is not me and not the way I do things. I feel, in sympathy/empathy/whatever, the same set of feelings the abused person feels, but it does no damage to me personally ... so I called it a holographic explosion—you could give yourself whiplash jerking your head back from what you perceive as danger, even if there is no danger. And the trauma is there still; you end up reminding yourself that luck is when the bullet hits the other guy. And check yourself again for bullet holes, remaining astonished that you somehow survived again.
OK, so I'm big and strong, but sensitive too.
God help me, I'm a cheap Japanese import of the Strong Sensitive New Age Guy. (Which is still better than being the real thing, if you ask me.)
But I am in little danger of the tragedies that befall some rather downtrodden folks; I have a built-in survival redundancy. I don't know where it came from and I don't know how to turn it on or off ... but as long as I follow my feelings I seem to land on my feet. I dunno, maybe it's just my feelings themselves that constitute my survival instinct, or maybe there's something more latent, more hidden, and possibly more sinister.
And I guess there is the potential for Danger Bear Behaviour. I am fully aware of the dangers to those people less strong and imposing (and "less male", if you get my drift) and yet I still have a survival instinct that, as uncontrollable as it is, kicks in at odd times and transmits threat to others. Generally speaking: men respond with assholery, women with shrinking.
I still find myself over-using my own strength. I know that I don't know my own strength (you should click the link, just for the quote by my friend Ken), but just being aware of that fact doesn't change me using it when I feel threatened. And, furthermore, knowing what makes me feel threatened (it's not physical violence, in case you are wondering) doesn't stop me from feeling threatened.
It's a bind ... something to ruminate on, something to work on for the future. I mean, if I am presenting a public face here in my rant, then I should at least give folks the appearance that I am wearing my heart on my shirtsleeve. So here is the bind in summary:
Despite my emotional intelligence and my sensitivity to others, as soon as I feel threatened I switch into Survival Mode, and become sensitive to myself only.
You know, I suddenly realised that I am no different from anyone else: When the chips are down, people need to survive first and care for their neighbors second. I just wrote myself out of a dismal mood :-)
And I guess the only interesting part of anyone's self-interest is the detail about what constitutes a threat to them. Common ones in me and most other people: Looking stupid and looking unattractive. You want to trigger people to survival mode? Make them feel inconsequential because one of those two (or both) and just watch the bullets fly.
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