January 4th, 2006

So my new job's start date is delayed by another week. This is all very well and fine, I suppose, although the people who are telling me how lucky I am to have some time off seem to forget that it involves a week of pay lost to the great unknowns as well. Oh well ... I shall survive; line of credit, overdraft, credit card, RSPs and GICs, and selling body parts for scientific research are all valid options. It reminds me of those little cards we received in elementary schools and were supposed to bring home to our parents. We used to inspect them ourselves for the sheer morbid delight: "Sign your child up for our insurance, and here are the fabulous rewards you stand to reap: Loss of: An eye: $50,000, One hand: $25,000 dominant ($20,000 non-dominant), Three toes, a finger, the spleen and at least 60% of the nose: $92,500 ..."

* * *

We rang in the New Year in an especially pleasing manner. My friend Martin prepared a gourmet feast and we (other friends and I and my wife) ate until we fell into a stupour which lasted until 3 minutes to midnight, at which time we stood out on the front of his palatial home (overlooking Indian Arm), waited until midnight, then banged pots and pans and shouted "Happy New Year" all the while confusing (and possibly irritating) all his new neighbors (there are many) who recently arrived from other lands, primarily Asian.

It was really nice to spend the time with friends. Especially when I realise that my wife likes my friends and my friends' spouses. So many times in the past I have had to stay at home, avoiding friends in order to placate the fears or dislikes of partners and other wives. And now that I can recognise the pleasure of this New Year, I can reflect on that terrible "minefield" experience I've had from previous years.

Example: Wife hates friends X, Y, and Z. So because I have to live with wife, I avoid contact with friends X, Y, and Z. Friends X, Y, and Z eventually stop calling; they might understand or they might be hurt, but in any case even the most doormattish of them will eventually get tired of the silences coming back from my side of the court. Now, normally, I might think something like this: "Nothing comes for free, everything costs something, so I guess this marriage has cost me some friendships."

Right, except that kind of thinking won't do anything for the pangs of loneliness, of exile, of separation that I feel when I think that my friends did nothing to deserve my silence except have the bad luck to be disliked by (or intimidating to) my wife, partner, etc. So I'm at checkmate. A move in either direction pisses someone off, but I chose the wife to try and preserve domestic harmony—which probably doesn't exist anyway, but holy hackey-sacks, I can make it a lot less harmonious if I'm not careful. And I regret it and feel exiled from them in the process. I can't help but get either sneaky or nasty about it. Checkmate. So that is why I call it a "minefield" experience: A step in any direction and I set off an explosion.

By the way, if you find yourself regularly in such a situation, you are already standing on a land mine. Divorce lawyers are in the yellow pages under "L" for lawyers.

OK, but back to much more pleasant times ... such as New Years this year. My wife and I truly genuinely enjoyed the company we kept and the night we spent with my friends. Of course, my wife earns big credit for being open-minded enough to like my friends. I extended that courtesy to her friends when I visited with her in Russia. And anyone she spends time with here in Canada gets my open-mindedness and tolerance too.

And so, this sort of made up a theme for me for the New Year: Sustainability. You see, there's been a distinct inability in me recently to distinguish between stagnation (which I amusingly called, "stability") with "sustainability" which implies constancy, but perhaps changes in environment, and even makeup of the individual. And now I can see that with my wife and my friends, no matter what changes I am making in my life, sustainability is possible.

And even pleasant.

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