February 12th, 2007
On days such as today, when I've had far too little sleep, and find myself already over-coffeed by lunchtime, there is little in the way of useful productive thought coursing through my neurotransmitter conduits.
That is why I hearken back to cleverer, more scintillating hours and days of my past ... to a time a few days ago, in fact, when I pondered the hundreds-of-years-old problem facing many a working man (and woman):
How do I keep my sandwiches from getting soggy?
To answer this question, I conjured up some solutions that may prove useful in the future. For now, they will have to be further researched and developed, and I believe some university or condiment manufacturer should offer me an embarrassingly large sum of money in the form of a Development Grant to pursue the viability of one or all of the following methods to keep sandwiches from getting soggy:
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Plastic Mayo™. The idea is that, out of the package, mayonnaise comes in thin sheets of a plastic-like substance that can be placed on the meat inside the sandwich. In its primary state, it is not liquid and will therefore not soak into the bread. Once it is exposed to air, or heats up slightly (or both) it degrades into regular mayonnaise. So take your sandwich out of the fridge and 2 minutes later the mayo is ready.
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Phase Transition Peanut Butter™. Peanut butter, as everyone knows, contains oil and peanuts. And, if you are a North American, a metric tonne of sugar too. But it interacts with the bread in a most heinous manner as your sandwich sits in its plastic wrap or Tupperware box in the fridge or in your backpack. That is why I propose that the peanut butter be electrolyzable into phases. That is, it is a solid that, when a small current is applied, turns into the colloidal mass we all have come to love and expect from our peanut butter. Kids may prefer to eat it in its solid un-transitioned form.
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Glass Jam™. Despite what it may sound like, it's not a band from the 1990s Seattle grunge scene. Jam is the worst offender of all sandwich ingredients. Why, there are people who won't even put jam on their sandwiches because of its high Bread Absorption Factor (BAF). But with Glass Jam™, one merely needs to tap the sheet of glassy shiny strawberry or raspberry goodness with a tiny hammer, and the jam shatters into a billion little splinters which further melt into jam. Just tap and enjoy.
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Magnetic Honey™. By embedding particles of a magnetically-resonant material into your honey, you can ensure that as long as a magnetic field is applied to your sandwich, the honey remains solid and not able to be soaked up by bread. That would mean that you would pack a magnet in with your sandwich and only remove the magnet once you were ready to eat the sandwich. Further research may yield a magnet which becomes edible when subjected to a loud noise.
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Bread Packs™. Turning the problem upside down, as it were: The whole problem is that dry bread wants to absorb damp sandwich ingredients. This can be easily rectified if the bread is rendered into a state in which it cannot absorb any liquid. In fact, if bread slices were normally rock-hard, one could then subject the bread slices to a solid smack, not unlike the bang that we inflict on boxes of toffee, and the Bread Packs™ would puff up immediately into normal bread ... just take it out of the plastic wrap, bang it on the table and enjoy. Warning labels might have to be affixed to remind people, for the sake of their teeth, to un-harden their bread first.
Well, that is all I could think of for now. If I have any more of these brilliant ideas, I'll be sure to let you know. :-)
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