May 9th, 2007

Attention workplace kitchen ... um ... people:

I just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you how I think the new paper towel dispenser is absolutely fucking amazingly brilliant! I'm telling you: Now that we have a plastic box distributing our paper towels, we will never stand around dumbfounded and completely defeated by the rolls of paper towels standing on the counter. I mean, this is only a computer software company here, and us poor morons with IQs barely into the "gifted" range just couldn't possibly cope with tearing off a sheet of paper towels to absorb our coffee spills and bread-crumbs. Hell, you should've seen the poor program managers standing in abject terror and helpless shame, as the world moved on around them and they couldn't move, paralyzed by indecision about how to remove a sheet of paper towel from the roll.

Furthermore, we all gawk, amazed and delighted, at the fact that you felt our need for carefully meted-out paper towels superseded all other needs, such as fixing the daily-overflowing sinks or the chronically-leaky coffee machine, and replacing the miniature garbage can which is full to overflowing by mid-morning, and buried under a minor mountain of garbage by the end of the day. Good on you, I say! Those other things can wait ... but give us the paper towel dispenser and we'll be happy and productive little workers for life.

Well done! What's next in your little Bag of Careful Planning? A bigger scrub-brush to sit, unused, next to the stacks and stacks of dirty dishes (as they await their journey into one of the dishwashers) and the smaller, unused, scrub-brush next to those? Perhaps you will delight us with some more boxes of coffee filters; we just took delivery of two more cases to add to the three that we are hoarding in case of flood or famine, but 5 cases of coffee filters can only last so many decades ... perhaps a few more would be in order. Or maybe it's time to stack a few more flimsy metal foil sandwich trays under the sink. The stack is only 1/2 a metre tall, and I'm sure that there is room for a couple of dozen more. You never know when a stack of 50 flimsy gigantic still-air-only metal foil frisbees might come in handy, after all ...

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