September 24th, 2007

My mother coulda been a contender.

What I mean by that is that she was an opera singer of only the highest calibre, and the most talented an opera singer can be. But she quit opera and married an army officer and had a bunch of "poppets" instead. Why? Well, it was simple: She didn't have the energy to really fight and compete.

And she was self-conscious about being exposed as a "shameless" self-promoter. Basically, she didn't ever want to be "caught" by others and accused of "competing" for the juicy plum singing jobs. She realised that her talent wasn't enough: Lotsa people had talent, the scrappy fighting (and self-promoting) singers rose in the ranks. So she quit.

That reluctance to be seen as self-promoting is something that I and my siblings grew up with—not necessarily feeling and behaving the same way, but definitely affected by it. (Well, all children are 100% "affected" by their parents' attitudes aren't they? :) ) In short, I still sort of 1/2 self-promote myself, but then get all self-conscious about it and let it sort of falter. I want the same successes, but I don't have the drive and ambition that makes me "forget" the cloak of decency that most of us wrap ourselves in.

The difference between people you see on TV and listen to on your MP3 player and the vast sea of talented people who have day jobs pushing brooms, driving trucks, or typing software user manuals is that unstoppable streak of shameless self-promotion.

Basically we are waiting for the rest of the world to notice how great we are, and not have to embarrass ourselves getting caught self-promoting and telling the world how great we are. After all, we tell ourselves, the world isn't exactly open to hearing us tell it how great we are; it wants to be noticed for how great it is, too. :)

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