May 1st, 2008

So my sister sent me one of those Points to Ponder kind of emails ... you know the ones I'm talking about: The ones that highlight the little inanities of the English language, or maybe those little social verbal ticks that we all find ourselves employing in typical daily interations with ourselves. And I read through it and noticed myself answering them all with my own smart-ass answers ... so I thought I'd write them down here:

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
*Unknown: Nobody has ever survived the fury of a pissed off Smurf to tell the tale.

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
*Yes, but you cannot use the PM radio unless you are Pre-Menstrual (or the Prime Minister).

What do chickens think we taste like?
*The thought of bloodthirsty attack chickens chills me; thank God I hired some Smurf bodyguards.

What do people in China call their good plates?
*They just keep looking East: Their good plates are Kyrgyzstan.

What do you call a male ladybug?
*"Sir": Any male that lives through being called a lady all his life must be one tough little bugger.

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
*He's gotta drop his pants to provide evidence.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
*The cats: They always get first refusal.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
*Good question ... and they must have been malaria-carrying mosquitoes, too!

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
*If you were a microbe, would YOU want to be put into the body of a mass murderer?
*Alternate: The germs are guilty, too.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*It's made out of glue too. (Along the lines of "Turtles all the way down.")

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
*Um, you mean we can't? Oops ...

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
*But there's no law against drinking and shooting a gun; therefore, we don't have to produce a gun license to buy liquor. Why does that logic confuse you?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
*Good Spellers apparently belong to an exclusive (and shrinking) club.

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
*In theory, if one winds his car up fast enough, any road is an Interstate highway.

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
*In case turbulence makes you spill a really big drink.
*Alternate: Because parachutes don't float, silly!

(Actually, okay. Sorry for this to deteriorate further into a rant, but how often do planes land in the water gently enough that the occupants aren't chopped into hundreds of little pieces and thus still able to get out of the plane to need those flotation devices? Quite frankly, it's wishful thinking to suppose that our survival rate is any greater with floatation devices under every seat. When a plane comes down in the ocean, it's because something catastrophic has happened, and the nose is pointed at the water. Not some gentle land-as-well-as-you-can-mister-Hero-Pilot touching down. Maybe there's some value in assuaging less-educated peoples' fears, I don't know ...)

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
*You don't see them selling matches, do you?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
*I would, but I worry it would make the world cease to exist.

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
*He lives in his truck.

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
*Because bladders are not closed 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
*It's all about function ....

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
*Because then they couldn't sell you a new airplane every time you crashed one!

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
*You think that's silly, you should see what a street fighter fights!

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
*It's still easier than getting motor oil.

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
*No, it comes out of her udder end.

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
*The mass of the cash you would owe in traffic fines would exceed the mass of all the matter in the universe.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
*So blind people don't need to take their eyes off the road, of course!

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
*And why, if it gets damaged or soiled, does it become bad goods?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
*Because their instincts tell them to get out before the spin cycle begins.

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
*Yeah, and what do banzais shout when THEY jump?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
*Well, sadly, they were "ment" to be "apart".

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
*And why is the constitution maintained by prostitution?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
*That's where your soul goes to die (of old age, waiting for its next flight).

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
*It's a trick question: Cats throw people out of houses, not the other way around!

If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?
*Then they could only sell half as many!

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