June 4th, 2008

Remember when those Nigerian scam letters were [gasp] actually written on paper, and arrived via (OMGWTFBBQ) mail, with self-addressed envelopes that were sometimes even stamped?

Quaint old days, those.

And then, remember when email was fresh and young and exciting, and we used to get those revoltingly polite appeals for our help, toadying, obsequious, and fawning in their written style? I used to occasionally read them just so I could admire how submissive and flattering they were.

The most famous of them ("Miriam Abacha") was downright sycophantic in tone. I mean, there was almost a sexual gratification from reading about that poor widow and the horrible time she was having getting all those shady millions out of her big bad country and away from the ravages of the nasty new blood-thirsty regime that overthrew the old pleasant peace-loving one.

I was often entertained by the people who baited and carried on duplicitous email exchanges with "Miriam" and her ilk. www.419eater.com was one. baita.mugu.co.uk was another.

Unfortunately, the fun had to end ... people, even us stupid North Americans, eventually get hip to these scams. New scams have grown up lately. "Hiring" emails for "Account Managers" where you collect cheques, cash them, then send a portion along to the scam artist (only to find out that the cheques were—surprise surprise—fraudulent).

But you still see those Nigerian scam emails from time to time, except their flavour has changed. Gone is the politeness, gone are the long explanations and kind words. And, most disturbingly, gone are the quaint and homey English errors that bespoke of smiling kind-hearted scam artists sipping coffee at the Internet café as they laugh indulgently at White People's naíve attempts at caution as our money is finessed out of our fat wallets.

No. Now they are all business. Here's an example I received today:

Hello,
After the death of my husband General Abacha, former head of state of Nigeria in June 98, I have lost confidence with anybody in my country. Due to security network on my affairs I cant visit the embassy so I contacted you through personal research. He deposited $12.6 million dollars in security firm abroad whose name is withheld. You will receive this funds and keep it safe, assured 20%.
Send telephone/mobile numbers to commence communication.
Sincerely Yours, Hajia Mariam.

Wow, what happened to exhortations of peace and prayers before God, expression of hope, and promises of gratitude beyond anything money could buy? Good grief, the bare bones approach may be more efficient (if you are buying Internet café time by the second), but there's no poetry left in it, is there? The con is laid pretty bare if you can't even sound like a woman writing an email.

Hmph. Frankly, I'm kind of insulted by this one (and others like it). You'd think that if it was too much trouble to write the initial letter (a one-time investment of a couple of hundred words), how is the con going to play out when the recipient starts to really get needy and actually start requiring personalized email? Eh?

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