April 1st, 2011
I grew up with a disabled sister, who taught me (and herself) over time that helping is not always about the recipient. There's always a question that needs to be asked, I think: "Am I helping that person by helping, or am I just doing this for myself?" In the case of my sister, I learned to ask first: "Do you want my help?" If the answer was, "No!" (Or, in times of stress, "F-- off, no!") then I had to examine my reasons. Often they were genuine, sometimes they were just to satisfy my own agitation at watching helplessly. Almost inevitably, my desire to alleviate my own feelings by "helping" was the unwelcome kind of help.
Before she died, my sister once told me these rather harsh words: "Helping others without solicitation has two meta-messages: 1. You're doing it wrong/ineffectually, and 2. I know/can do it better than you. Unless they've already arrived at these two conclusions themselves, they'll never accept your help, and you'll be wrong for offering it."
I don't know if I entirely agree with her, but I can certainly see that her position of needing (and frequently being offered) help whether she wanted it or not might have given her such a solidly negative view of help. And, to that end, I also know that helping and offering support, advice, consolation, etc. is not always honest and meant face at its face value.
It's tricky, innit ...? :)
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